So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize