I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
