It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Naked Twister starts at high noon
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
