Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
