i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
