i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
