You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
