anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize