There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We named our party play list daddy issues
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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