Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
