ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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