Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
