You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
