i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
