Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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