I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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