update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Randomize
