he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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