I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize