i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
