I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
