I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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