my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
