woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
