Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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