Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
