i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
