I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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