My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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