Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
