Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
