i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
they need to just BURY HIM!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
