I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
