I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
