I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
