Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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