it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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