he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
