I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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