Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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