he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
