you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize