your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
