i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
