I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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