Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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