he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize