apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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