Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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