How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
