I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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