I want to walk on stilts...naked
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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