i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
