I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
