The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
