True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize