Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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