Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
