I just threw up on my dentist
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
