I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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