when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Let's get the cat blown out
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
