I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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